Terry Mirll Writes

First, a few handy terms to know:
Huckleberry: Andrew J. Black; pathetic loser
Schadenfreude: the act of taking pleasure in another’s misfortune.
Gravamen: the main thrust of an argument or position
Hyperexcrementalism: the act of being A.J. Black, and therefore full of shit.

"Hyperexcrementalism" is admittedly a term coined by Yours Truly, but fully applicable in this instance. Feel free to use the term yourselves, but please see that I am given proper credit for it.

At the risk of sounding overly Zen here, allow me to point out a truism: There is no man so ignorant as the one who thinks he has nothing else to learn. In my previous post, I showcased a particularly ignorant pea-brain, one Andrew J. Black of www.Ajblackink.com, for whom this truism seems tailor-made. In fact, the only part of it that doesn’t seem to apply to A.J. is “man.” Men can take criticism (or at the very least can compose a suitable defense against it)—A.J. can’t. Or, as he would state the matter: “A.J. cunt.”

As I stated in my post, if A.J. is truly concerned with identifying crybabies who can’t take the hard knocks of life, he need look no further than the nearest mirror. By this I meant to say that A.J. is a crybaby who can’t take criticism. Obvious, one would think, and one would be right, provided one gives the matter the barest modicum of thought. However, as A.J. never seems to think before opening his mouth (actually, he never seems to think at all; how the poor lad manages to wipe himself is one of the great mysteries of the universe), it is sometimes necessary to spell out the patently obvious so that even the perpetually clueless (here I mean A.J.; whoever is reading this post to him should point this out) can participate in the discussion.

And no sooner said than done, A.J. has now proffered his two cents’ worth. To my sheer delight, A.J. caught wind of my comments (I don’t recall using “Brain-dead moron” as a keyword, but, hey…) and posted the following reply, which I now reproduce in its bombastic and inglorious entirety:

G.F.Y stands for go fuck yourself. I tried to quit the Vista prior to writing I'm Your Huckleberry and was aggressively encouraged to reconsider. Teddy Burch, the faculty advisor, also encouraged me to write about your daughter. The article was read by several people several times, including the faculty advisor before being published. Your daughter left out a few things from her side of the incident. Even though you attempted to have me fired, expelled, arrested, and defamed, I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere. So, G.F.Y -A.J. Black Ajblackink.com P.S. I could sue you, the school, and the vista, but it would be like stepping on dog shit instead of walking around it...

The reply is over. Please return your cerebellum to its full and upright locked position. Thank you for flying A.J. Black Airlines.

Did I not say that “Huckleberry” was a euphemism for “pathetic loser”? And as Huckleberries go, isn’t A.J. just the Huckleberriest?

I mean, you hear of these types—people who are just so insufferably and irretrievably stupid they can’t even understand when they’ve been insulted; for example, the idiots that appear on MTV’s “Scarred”—oafish dimwits who stupidly make a taint-first dive onto an iron rail and then post the video for all the world to see, completely unaware that everyone is laughing at them rather than with them. But to actually meet one, to encounter one in the flesh, still living and (somehow) breathing—it simply boggles the mind.

In fact, I don’t need to say anything apart from calling him stupid. Any gravamen to the claim will be stupidly supplied by Captain Stupid himself. It’s the legendary battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. Honestly, it feels like I’m taking a pillowcase full of horseshoes to the face of some snotty six-year-old—hardly what one would call a fair fight. I almost feel bad, verbally abusing such a pseudo-intellect.

Almost. I must admit, the Schadenfreude is just so yummy delicious! So, with the reader’s indulgence, I’ll proceed.

Question: What did A.J. Black get on his I.Q. test? Answer: Drool.

I ask the reader-—no, I beg the reader—-to take a moment and examine A.J.’s reply. Doesn’t his prose have all the charm of a dead Halibut rotting on the floor? The commas and periods seem to buzz around like so many flies, one lifeless, dull eye peeking up inertly and uncomprehendingly as we stand over it in horrified fascination. (Our boy Huck has actually convinced himself that he can make a living with this lackluster style of writing. Oy!) Forget the need for proper punctuation (Vista should be in italics; “I’m Your Huckleberry” should be in quotes, etc.) and just examine his missive from a conceptual standpoint for a moment. It reads like a miscellaneous collection of statements, with no apparent rationale as to why they should belong together, kind of like one of those experimental “found” poems amassed from a pile of clippings lying around an editor’s desk.

In fact, allow me to take his reply apart, piece by piece. Pardon my manners, but at this point, I’ll speak directly to Huck, since apparently I need to have a little chat with the boy, man to crybaby.

G.F.Y stands for go fuck yourself.
As I stated in my previous post, there is no great difficulty in figuring out what GFY stands for, so there's no need for you to tell me what it means. Of course, you would have known this, had you actually bothered to read my post; however, as that would have required you to actually bother to READ, I can understand your failure to grasp what to normal folk is painfully obvious. To repeat myself, I said, “There are amoebas scurrying about the moons of Jupiter that must know what it means.” Though hyperbole, it makes my point rather clear. Everybody already knows what GFY means; since I am included as a subset of the category “Everybody,” it follows that I, too, know what GFY means. Mind you, I’m not sure what good repeating myself will do—you didn’t bother to read my comment the first time, so there’s no reason to suspect you’ll read it the second time it comes around. (Note to whoever is reading this to A.J. right now; you REALLY need to point these things out as you go, otherwise our boy Huck is bound to misspeak. Of course, if he speaks at all, he’s bound to make a complete jackass of himself-—but you already know what I mean.)

I tried to quit the Vista prior to writing I'm Your Huckleberry and was aggressively encouraged to reconsider.
You tried to quit the Vista? What? And they wouldn't let you? The brigands! Didn't you explain that the Thirteenth Amendment outlaws slavery? Did you contact the ACLU to complain that you were being forced to write crappy, vacuous, misogynistic, third-rate newspaper columns against your will? Didn’t you at least explain that you can’t tell the “a” from the “u” key?

And you were "aggressively encouraged" to reconsider? Did they threaten to break your legs? Leave a severed horse head under your “Spongebob Squarepants” bedsheets? Show you a copy of the contract, signed in your own feces, obliging you to produce a dumb/dumber/dumbest series of articles? (In that case, you could have wormed your way out of your contractual obligation by posting just one well-written article, and they would have dropped you like a hot potato. But, hey, let the past be the past!)

I think you overstate your value to these people. In fact, I’m sure of it. Since your departure from UCO and the Vista, the comically misnamed “Opinion Laced with Fact” seems to have dropped into a quantum wormhole, blinking out of our universe into an alternate universe where the hopelessly brain-dead rule the world (and where you would be king). There’s no mention anywhere of any A.J. Black ever having written for the Vista. Your past columns aren’t even archived. And yet, somehow, you’ve gone from being “aggressively encouraged” not to leave the Vista to persona non grata, all in a mere four months. That’s an impressive feat, even for a Huckleberry. Why, it’s as if YOU NEVER EXISTED! (Cue “Twilight Zone” Theme, with the ghost of Rod Serling puffing dourly upon his cigarette and growling, “Consider for your approval, one Huckleberry Black, whose poisoned pen was once the Excalibur of collegiate journalism…”)

And speaking of kings, I noticed on your website that you are now President of www.Ajblackink.com. Congratulations on what surely must have been a hard-fought electoral campaign. However did you manage to stuff the ballot boxes? (And what did you stuff them with?) Though I admit I’m curious as to why you settled on the rank of mere President. Why not Lord High Grand Poop-Hurling Poobah?

Teddy Burch, the faculty advisor, also encouraged me to write about your daughter.
Funny, in my previous post I NEVER SAID that “I’m Your Huckleberry” (or, for that matter, any of your moronic posts) was about my daughter. I merely alluded to “a classmate—-an honors student slated to graduate summa cum laude this May” who “stated in a critique of one of his stories that she had considerable difficulty identifying with his main character,” whom you then attacked on Facebook. I never identified her, and yet you seem to know all about her. Even if it’s true that Teddy Burch encouraged you to write about my daughter (and I seriously doubt it—-but, hey, I have his e-mail address, so I’ll send him a quick query to see if he’ll back up your claim), then why did you tell Chris Snoddy of the Department of Student Conduct that "I'm Your Huckleberry" was categorically NOT about my daughter? Your appreciation for the truth is on the same level as your appreciation for English grammar. (Translation for the hopelessly dopey, aka, Huck Black: I'm saying you're lying. You’re either lying now about Teddy Burch, or you lied to Chris Snoddy, or, as I highly suspect, both.)

Further, even if there is some morsel of truth that Teddy Burch “encouraged” you to write about my daughter, I seriously doubt he gave you carte blanche to compose the misogynistic tirade you foisted upon the UCO readership. Seriously, your anti-female jeremiad “shut your mouth, pull your skirt over your head, sit down, go cut yourself, and wait for Jesus over there…Call the cops honey, no one is coming to save you”—regardless of who the object of your animus happened to be—-was not only inappropriate and stupid, it was sick. Only a moron of the lowest order would make such a statement. You made the statement; therefore, you’re a moron of the lowest order. I am aghast not only that I should have to point this out, but that the editors of the Vista, females no less, seem not to have realized it themselves. Which leads us to your next dopey comment:

The article was read by several people several times, including the faculty advisor before being published.
Apart from the impossibility for “several” people to read an article only ONCE (and NOT “several times”), the POINT, Huck, is that as vapid, misogynistic, and sociopathic as your article was, the muttonheads at the Vista PRINTED IT ANYWAY. It was bad enough that you bothered to write such drivel; it was journalistically irresponsible and reprehensible of the Vista’s editors to approve its publication. Free Speech is not simply the right to say whatever cruel and sick comment that bursts out of your brain like pus from a cyst. One tailors one’s thoughts to take an intellectual position. One argues that a given position is valid. One urges the reader to agree. You didn’t do any of this BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT CAPABLE OF IT.

Comments like “Go fuck yourself” are pointless and useless, and only a complete fool uses them. This is not to say you can’t use GFY at all, but only that it has no bearing on whether you’re right or wrong and is thus irrelevant. That you avail yourself of such a comment so readily is bad enough; worse yet, you use it unreservedly, not because it’s your weapon of choice, but because it’s the only weapon in your verbal arsenal. So, you’re a double fool, so stupid that you don’t know that you don’t know. And you think you’re going to use words to make your living? You can’t be serious!

Moreover, there’s nothing special about “Go fuck yourself,” because anyone can use it. You can use it. Your granny can use it. The aforementioned Jovian amoebas can use it. I can use it, and in more than one language. The Germans, for instance, prefer the phrase Leck mich am Arsch! Literally, it means “lick my ass,” but conveys the same meaning. And the Russians say Yob tvoiyu mat’, which means “I fucked your mother.” Same difference. Now explain to me how any of this refutes the notion that you’re a moron. It doesn’t?

Moron.

Your daughter left out a few things from her side of the incident.
It’s no real surprise that you would claim my daughter “left out a few things,” without even the slightest mention as to what those “things” might be. Would you care to elaborate? (And no, “Go fuck yourself” is not a form of elaboration, so let’s nip that buffoonery in the bud right now!)

Y’see, Huck, real writers don’t just make claims stated as brute facts. Real writers back up their arguments with supportive elements. People who make such charges without bothering to support them are mere blowhards. People who can only back up their baseless claims with “Go fuck yourself” are useless blowhards. People who are useless blowhards are called "Huckleberries." “Huckleberry” is a synonym for A.J. Black. (Note to whoever is reading this to A.J.: this is simple syllogistic train of thought, but doubtless it’s got our boy Huck completely flummoxed. You may have to use a chalkboard. In which case, grab him by the back of the head and slam it multiple times into the chalkboard until he understands. Don’t worry—-he seems to like it rough.)

But, for the moment, let’s suppose that there are indeed any number of “things” my daughter left out of the incident in question. Which of those “things” justified: 1. Deliberately looking up her name on the UCO class roster; 2. Finding her profile on Facebook; 3. Acting like a six-year-old and calling her “Fatty”; and 4. Telling her to go fuck herself? And, once justified, explain to me how any of this refutes the notion that you’re a useless blowhard. It doesn’t?

Useless blowhard.

Even though you attempted to have me fired, expelled, arrested, and defamed,
None of this, of course, is true. (Tell me, what’s the deal with you and the truth? Are you allergic to it? Or does it burn like holy water splashed on a vampire? Mind you, in comparing you with a vampire, I’m not trying to say you suck. Though you do, come to think of it.) But to address each of your participles in the order in which they appear:

Fired
In order to be fired, one first must be hired. Tell me, were you employed with the Vista? Did they pay you a salary? Of course, the greater question is: Does a brain-dead moron who can’t tell the “a” key from the “u” deserve having his insipid and vulgar nonsense published by the school newspaper? Or, should he, maychance, be fired? Consider, for instance, this letter submitted to the Vista’s editors (I have graciously been given permission to reprint it here), written by an honors student who graduated summa cum laude this May (I’ll leave you to guess who):

A.J. Black is completely oblivious to the difference between “than” and “then,” as well as how to use a semicolon properly. I am horrified that a group of “w-r-i-t-e-r-s” allowed him to misspell “w-r-i-t-e” as “r-i-g-h-t” in his final article. Publicly displaying his bad grammar and spelling only reflects poorly on the Vista’s editors. When I corrected his grammatical and punctuation mistakes in our Thursday night class, Black sent me a vicious hate message on Facebook, calling me “fatty” and saying, “Go fuck yourself.” Apparently because his lackluster editors never pointed out his typos, he now believes he is a writing god, too perfect for errors. Therefore, hearing otherwise from me caused his delusions of grandeur and narcissism to kick into full gear. Thank you, Vista editors, for never correcting him. My only question: How can Black possibly consider himself a “w-r-i-t-e-r” if he can’t even spell it?

NB: I’m no mind-reader, but I suspect her gratitude to the editors is not sincere.

At any rate, her critique is valid. I don’t want a brain-dead imbecile who can’t tell “write” from “right” submitting opinion columns for the school newspaper any more than a doctor who can’t tell an enema from a pre-frontal lobotomy. (Though if he’s performing it on you, Huck, I suppose exceptions can be made.) If you deserve to be fired, you should be, and only a crybaby balks at getting what he deserves. Now explain to me how any of this refutes the notion that you shouldn’t have been fired. It doesn’t?

Crybaby.

Expelled
I did nothing of the sort. I merely pointed to the UCO Code of Student Conduct, Sec. IV, Paragraph A (and I quote, with the pertinent phrases highlight in bold):

Each student is expected to engage in all academic pursuits in a manner that is above reproach. Students are expected to maintain complete honesty and integrity in the academic experiences both in and out of the classroom. Academic dishonesty includes, but is not confined to: plagiarizing; cheating on tests or examinations; turning in counterfeit reports, tests, and papers; stealing tests or other academic material; knowingly falsifying academic records or documents of the institution; accessing a student’s confidential academic records without authorization; disclosing confidential academic information without authorization; and, turning in the same work to more than one class without informing the instructors involved. Any student found responsible of academic dishonesty will be subject to disciplinary action. Violation of these expectations, as specified above and in sections III, IV, and V, may result in penalties up to and / or including expulsion from the University.

I don’t think that any reasonable person would consider “Go fuck yourself” to be above reproach—-especially considering the steps you pursued in uttering it. Further, using the Vista as a forum to lie about the incident (painting yourself as the victim was untrue; you knew it was untrue; therefore, you lied) demonstrated neither honesty nor integrity. Your vulgar responses to your detractors on www.uco360.com were unethical in the extreme. My daughter was not the only student to lodge a complaint against you; at least four students contacted Chris Snoddy’s office regarding your misbehavior. UCO would have been amply justified in expelling you.

Arrested
This, too, is entirely false. My daughter, upon reading “I’m Your Huckleberry,” realized she was dealing with a sociopath and so took the appropriate measures to protect herself. She contacted the campus police as well as the Edmond police and made a report of the incident. I would have expected any young woman to do the same. In fact, other young women have done the same. But you already know this, I’m sure; it’s only part of your narcissistic mindset that you pretend that I called the cops on you-—as if you were standing at a bus stop, minding your own business, when I purportedly made the call, because persecuting poor little A.J. Black is just soooo important to me. Besides, the police reports were not made in order to demand your arrest, but merely to establish a pattern of behavior for the police to consider should you continue to behave like a woman-hating jackass. Now explain to me how any of this refutes the notion that you’re a woman-hating jackass. It doesn’t?

Woman-hating jackass.

Defamed
Defaming you is only possible if I’ve said anything that’s untrue. Further, appellations like “brain-dead moron” are mere conjecture and therefore only matters of opinion. Certainly, if you had a reputation for being something other than a brain-dead moron, you might have a point. But I’ve spoken to quite a few people about you, and absolutely none of them have had anything nice to say about you at all. None. Of. Them.

I'm still here, and I'm not going anywhere.
Au contraire, tȇte du merde. Last time I checked, “here” was UCO. If your recent post is to be believed (and, yeah, there’s that little got-a-bad-problem-with-telling-the-truth thing, so ya got me there!), you were wending your way to sunny Las Vegas in order to become a professional writer. Or was that “righter”? At any rate, LV isn’t here in Oklahoma, it’s there in Nevada. Says so on Mapquest.

I agree with you that you’re not going anywhere—though I’m probably using the phrase with a different meaning than what you have in mind. (Say! How can you have a mind when you don’t have a brain? Another oddity of nature, I guess.) By “not going anywhere,” I mean “going nowhere,” which is the point of disembarkation for most Huckleberries in general, and for you in particular. Please send me a card when you don’t get there.

So, G.F.Y -A.J. Black Ajblackink.com
I’m sorry, but I’m afraid I don’t remember the grade-school reply to this grade-school taunt. Something about a mirror and glue, wasn’t it? Please remember, it’s been over forty years since I was in grade school, and I’ve never been a moron. I’ll only repeat what I’ve said heretofore: people who use abbreviations like GFY are fools. You may as well fling Nerf balls at me.

Fool.

P.S. I could sue you, the school, and the vista, but it would be like stepping on dog shit instead of walking around it...
Spoken like a true crybaby who can’t take the hard knocks of life. As I have stated elsewhere (see my post “Hosed for the Holidays”), the beauty of American jurisprudence is that you can sue anybody for anything. You don’t have to have a reason. You could sue me. You could sue UCO. You could sue the Vista. You could sue Cartoon Network because “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” just isn’t funny anymore. You could even sue yourself. Just don’t represent yourself in court, because, as we all know, the man who represents himself has a fool for a client. Of course, an attorney who represents you has a fool for a client, too. But I digress.

Anyway, the greater issue is whether you could sue and prevail. (That means “win,” Huck.) I very much doubt that you could. What I would expect is that you sue and prove yourself a vapid, sociopathic, misogynistic, brain-dead, clueless, hopeless (but not dopeless—-right, hah, right? Wink wink, nudge nudge!), two-bit, loaded up with the dumbass from the tippity-top of your pointed head to your eleven toes, lying sack of shit (dog or otherwise). And to see you do this in a court of law would give me no end of satisfaction. After all, why keep all this delicious Schadenfreude to myself? There’s plenty to go around!

And though you could indeed sue me, I have to wonder: On what grounds? I’m guessing (on the basis of that silly “defamation” claim), you would accuse me of slander or libel. However, in my case, a tort of libel simply isn’t actionable. In order to prevail (again, this means “win,” Huck) in a libel suit, each of three conditions must be satisfied:

First, you have to establish that what I’ve said is untrue. Remember, it’s not libel if it’s true. For instance, the statement “A.J. Black is a lying bucket of monkey spit” is not actionable as libel, because: a. I have already established above that you’re a liar inasmuch as you lied either to Teddy Burch or Chris Snoddy, or both, and b. “bucket of monkey spit” is obviously conjecture, meaning that no reasonable person would actually believe that you are literally a bucket, whatever it might be full of.

Second, you have to establish that I knew what I said is untrue. But I have said the things I have said about you because I believe them to be true. I have made it abundantly clear in all my writings that I am merely offering my opinion and thus am only exercising my constitutionally guaranteed right of free speech. As one brain-dead, vapid, woman-hating opinion columnist once said (I believe it was his last column before parting ways with the Vista), we may as well enjoy the First Amendment while we still have one.

Third, once you successfully establish the first two conditions, you have to demonstrate how my statements unjustly harmed you. For instance, if you had a $100K job that had a strict policy against lying buckets of monkey spit and were fired as a result of my claim, you could then sue me for damages. But you voluntarily quit your post with the Vista, you suffered no defamation of character (you had—-and have-—zero character), nor did you receive any wounds to your reputation (because your reputation was in a pretty sorry state before you began opening your fool mouth).

The key word here is unjustly. Any actions I took against you were both appropriate and lawful. There’s absolutely no doubt in my mind you got what you deserved. In fact, I’m willing to bet that, all things considered, you got off easy. If I did anything that caused you and Oklahoma to part ways, I’m glad for it. Let’s see if Nevada cares for your nonsense any more than Oklahoma did.

Besides, by your own admission (true or not), you left the Vista because you were given an “ultimatum” that you couldn’t abide, and so elected to drop your column. And after writing about how you were going to graduate with a “diploma of distinction,” you said that you decided to skip the diploma because what mattered were the “life experiences.” And no one has chased you to the Oklahoma border. You chose to follow the setting sun towards Nevada to pursue a career in writing.

In other words, the events that have unfolded in your life since February have ALL been of your own making. My daughter didn’t pick your name out of a hat in order to file a bogus police report; you couldn’t take criticism and chose to act out, and my daughter was forced to take steps to protect herself. The Vista didn’t drop your column; they gave you a choice and you chose to quit. UCO didn’t expel you; you fed yourself that “life experiences” malarkey and chose to leave on your own. And I never said a single thing about you that was untrue or undeserved; I quoted you, and if quoting you makes you look bad, answer me honestly, Huck-—JUST WHO BEARS THE BLAME FOR YOUR REPUTATION? You did all these things on your own, so spare us the self-pity. If you’re going to sue anybody, sue yourself. Heck, I bet you’ll win, because, so I’m told, the opposing council has a fool for a client.

One last comment: On your Facebook page, you recently posted this question: “Who the fuck is Terry Mirll?”

Do I really need to answer that question? I’m the father of the young woman you shouldn’t have fucked with. I’ll be glad to elaborate on that answer, any time, any place, any venue.

The question you really need to ask, Huck, is: “Who the fuck is A.J. Black?” In all honesty, I don’t think you have an inkling of an answer.

By the way, I noticed a misspelling of your website. It should read: www.AJBLACKSTINKS.com.

Labels: Andrew J. Black, brain-dead moron, Huckleberry, UCO, Vista, www.ajblackink.com